People are waiting for you to get better, but as the years slip by, the concern turns to doubt, distrust, even boredom. An accusatory air flows in, “you must not be trying to get better,” “you don’t look sick.” If you’re lucky you have a cat or a dog who never asks shitty questions, a family or partner who speaks to your doctors for you when you’re too tired to move, and best friends who know your heart and soul. If you’re lucky you have all of that, because society isn’t set up to sustain giving a fuck about you or helping you thrive and survive….and perhaps you often lie awake at night horrified at the idea of all the chronically ill people fighting invisible battles who don’t have all that you have. Fearful thoughts creep in…”that could be me. People get tired of caring, people burn out from caregiving, someday that could be me.”
There are days filled with beautiful insights, soul growth, and lovely conversations. Days where anything seems possible, and you can find hope in the smallest things. There are days bursting with love and happiness and gratitude. Your mind can travel farther than many whose bodies can move all the time. You have healed a lot, done a lot even from bed…society doesn’t reward or celebrate the things you excel at now and accomplish, but you are living a full life. You are whole. You are beautiful throughout—throughout the depression, the negative thought spirals, the lashing out when you’re in pain, the darkest moods. You are experiencing one of the rougher parts of the human condition, so congratulations on staying alive, on surviving another day, on being present in a body that hurts all the time. And thank you for what you do every day. You matter and are an important part of society and humanity. Look at this recently enhanced Hubble photo of the deepest part of space, and take comfort in how tiny we all are. We are all, even from our beds, walkers, wheelchairs, part of something huge, vast, and interesting.
And it’s okay if everything just sucks and this rambling feels like bullshit.
Be back soon for horoscopes & astrology musings.
I love you,
Leah R. Chatterjee